SAD! How I wish it was the kind that can be helped with more exposure to light. Instead it is the kind of sad that is ever present and will only get better with time. Time! It’s been said that time heals all wounds and it is true that we are slowly but surely healing from the loss of Nelson, but I already know that I will miss him forever.
For the past week it has been a bit easier coming home to a house where he is not waiting for us and being home without him by our side. For the first few days after he died I felt like I was in someone else’s home. It was beyond weird to be in the house and I caught myself constantly following the routine that had been second nature for almost 12 1/2 years, a routine in which this wonderful dog played a major role. A routine I never once, not even for a moment, resented. A routine I truly loved. Just like I loved this furry creature. With all my heart!
The second week without him has been a bit easier. We miss him, but our daily life is slowly getting accustomed to not having him around anymore. I still catch myself thinking about him when we are out and that we should get home to feed or walk him and I still see him laying on the couch waiting for us when we come through the front door, but the rituals are fading. The grief is ever present but the tears are flowing less frequently, even though it does not take much to bring them to the surface. I still cry every day during my morning runs, remembering all the years he ran by my side, loyal and without complaints, no matter how many miles were on my schedule, rising early and leaving the house quietly so no one else would wake up at that ungodly hour. He was always ready for anything we wanted him to do, jumping with joy, ears flying.
About a week ago we were at a friend’s house when David asked me if I remembered a video tape we had of him as a puppy. I had only a vague memory of making this video and told him that if we still had it I knew exactly where it would be: in the kitchen cabinet, right behind the baking pans. Wait! What? I had not so much as glimpsed at the tapes that I stored in that location after we moved into the house but lo and behold, there it was: a VHS (!!!) tape with the Nelson’s name written all over it. Now we only had to find a video player… As luck would have it our friends, whose dogs we were scheduled to look after, have one as part of their bedroom TV and so we went over there with rather low expectations to see what footage we had recorded.
Let me just tell you right here that I am a skeptic when it comes to the afterlife. None of us really know what happens after we pass away and although it is a nice idea to believe there is something awaiting us on the other side we really cannot be sure. Logic and science tell me that energy cannot be erased and when a being passes on the energy must remain, but what exactly happens with that energy is unclear.
So…we watched the tape and there was Nellie on his very first day with us, a nine week old bundle of fluff and energy, all paws and tailless bum. Five minutes of romping around with me and our neighbor’s daughter, getting into everything, trying to eat bark and groundcover berries. Then there is a pause in the tape. Thinking this is all the footage we have David gets up to rewind the tape, and as he moves towards the TV a new scene opens up with Nelson eight months later in our living room, looking like a cartoon after his hair cut. And who but walks through the camera lens but Adrienne… Then the camera moves into the kitchen where my mom is preparing salad for dinner…And then the scene opens up in the backyard with five minutes of Adrienne playing tug-of-war with Nelson and his favorite toy… I sat there motionless with goosebumps creeping up and down my spine. We had not even the slightest idea that a tape like this existed, a tape with recordings of three beings we lost, all doing the things they loved doing most: cooking, playing with dogs, and tug-of-war. Maybe it is a total coincidence and the tape is just that: a recording of a day in time. Or maybe my grief for Nelson finally opened me up to receive a message that all three are actually OK and together. It would be so nice if that was the case. Both my mom and Adrienne loved this dog and he would be in good hands. And I have to admit that watching this and thinking about the possibility has certainly helped. So has bringing home Nelson’s ashes on Wednesday. The cremation service did a wonderful job, placing them in a lovely cedar wood box with his name engraved in it and we even got his paw print. I loved his paws and it is something I will treasure forever. It helps to look at his box and know he is home. Closure.
Today’s Running Tip: Relieving sadness through running!
Running doesn’t only benefit your body, but it also benefits the mind as running allows your brain to receive more oxygen which leads to clearing the mind. Clear thoughts help to relieve stress and sadness by putting things into perspective and enhancing your mood.
