His name was Johannes.

He was the second of five boys. All only a few years apart.

His dad was one of the most prominent eye surgeons in Germany who practiced in a major clinic just around the corner from the house I grew up in.

And on May 17th, 1985 Johannes jumped out of his father’s office window on the 5th floor and to his death. He was 26 years old.

Of all my adolescent memories this is by far the most traumatic and is the one that has stuck with me to this day.

Johannes was one of the most brilliant people I had ever met. He breezed through high school without ever having to worry about not getting an A+. He spoke several languages fluently and had a natural gift for music that left those who knew him breathless. And yet, he was a very lost and tortured soul. A good soul, but a soul that could no longer deal with being around those who loved him most.

I remember the day he died as if it was yesterday. I was at a friend’s house who lived right next to Johannes’ family. Caroline’s dad was the main anesthesiologist and critical care doctor at the same hospital Johannes’ dad worked. Words cannot describe what went through my head when he came home that night of May 17th and told us that he had been called to the scene first in the hopes that he could save the life of his friend’s and colleague’s son, a life said son could no longer bear to live.

The news of this tragic event went around our small community like wildfire but the shock we all felt was nothing in comparison to what Johannes’ suicide did to his own family. The night of her son’s unimaginable death his mother went to bed a mostly dark haired woman only to wake up completely grey the next morning. She had aged decades in the course of a few hours. His father, grief stricken beyond anything one, who has not been through the same emotional turmoil, can understand was a mere shell of himself for months.

Many days I saw both of Johannes’ parents walking in their expansive back yard, hand in hand, holding each other up, yet unsteady in each other’s company. For those of us close to the family it became apparent that a rift had opened up in Johannes’ family that could never be repaired and we started to wonder if his parents’ marriage would survive.

What their brother’s suicide did to the rest of the boys was not immediately apparent but turned into one of the most heart breaking episodes of my life. Although at the time I was clueless.

In August of the same year I went on my Senior Class trip to Prague. One of Johannes’ brothers, who was in my grade went on the same trip. Jürgen was admired by many of my (female!!!) classmates. Like his older brother he had a brilliant mind, which in combination with his almost unreal good looks, made him a prime target for adolescent fantasies. With the exception of yours truly. Besides being on friendly terms he had never really caught my attention. And therefore it is still a mystery to me how I got myself so involved with this young man that it almost ruined my entire future.

It started innocently enough on the bus ride to the Golden City with jokes and innocent touches. By the time we were on our way back home I was so head over heals in love I would have done anything to keep the relationship alive. Little did I know at the time that I almost lost myself in the process to do just that.

I did understand that Jürgen was still in mourning over his brother at the time of our trip, even though he never talked about it and I never pushed him to do so. Not then and not any time over the months that followed. In fact in all those months he only mentioned Johannes once. Looking back I realize that deep down I knew from the beginning that this was a fragile relationship, one that could shatter at any moment.

What I did not know while I was blissfully walking hand in hand through Prague was that Johannes had been in love with a girl that had left him to pursue a modeling career in Paris and his younger brother had gotten it in his head that this was the reason for Johannes’ depression and suicide.

Instead I let myself love someone that was emotionally completely unavailable, and when I say “love” I don’t mean this lightly. I truly and utterly loved this boy, more so than I had ever loved anyone. It‘s not that I had not had my fair share of boyfriends before my life was taken hostage, but it had become clear to me very early on that being with Jürgen felt different than anything I had ever felt before. It was truly scary and definitely overwhelming. Especially since it had also become very clear from the beginning that this feeling was not mutual, or, if it was, he was never going to allow it to flourish.

And hence began a torturous game of back and forth, giving and taking, not giving back and taking more. I tried my hardest to push back but every time I did Jürgen would pull me back, and every time I hoped it would be better this time around. It never was. His fear of commitment and getting hurt overshadowed everything else and left me broken and deeply wounded. No matter how much I gave of myself it never felt enough and I became completely occupied with trying to make Jürgen love me back as much as I loved him.

The fact that he would never really let go only made matters worse. It would have been easier if had just kicked me to the curb told me straight that he did not want to be in this relationship, but he never did. Instead he just manipulated me from a distance that was comfortable for him. And for me, there was no way out. I had completely lost all rational thought and let myself be manipulated beyond reason.

When it finally did end I had lost 10 pounds from my already slim frame and almost failed High School, my heart broken beyond repair, or so I thought.

It took me years to get over this “relationship” and him. Years of healing and finding new trust. In the end it was  Jürgen himself who helped me the most. We had not seen each other for a few years when we ran into each other at a friend’s wedding. At first my heart skipped a beat but eventually I was able to actually have a conversation with him. We even danced, which almost made me cry. A week later his letter arrived, the first of many. A letter that started a most intense exchange of communication I have ever had. He wanted to explain himself and because I still cared for him I let him. I also wanted answers and saw this as my chance. I got them all. He needed emotional closeness to someone at the time we went to Prague. Closeness he could not get at home. Closeness, he himself was unable to feel to anyone. He wanted and needed to feel loved but was scared beyond words of loving himself. His brother’s death had taken all of it away from him. I cried! And we both healed over the course of many letters and exchanges!

I still think of him and what suicide can do to a family. Through Adrienne’s passing I know that the death of a child brings unimaginable sorrow to the parents. Imagine the cause of death being suicide… Johannes’ suicide became a part of me even though I was not immediate family. His horrible death had an impact on not only his family’s life but the life of those who loved and still love them.  I am sure his parents never got over the tragic loss of their son and I only hope that his brothers are living lives filled with happiness and love.

Jürgen and I stayed in touch for a while after I moved back to the States but over the years we have lost contact. The last I heard of him he was married with two children and my hope for him is that he himself feels unconditional love for his wife and family, because everyone deserves this. I wish nothing but the best for him and hope that true heartbreak will never enter his life again.

My experience at the tender age of 18 did not only cause grief and heartache, however. It showed me how much I am capable of baring my soul to another person and letting them into my heart. Something I cherish deeply to this day.

Today’s Running Tip: Feeling blue? Go for a run!

Running and exercise in general is a proven stress buster and helps relieve anxiety. Working out helps with self esteem, gets your heart rate up and eases muscle tension, which in turn will help you relax, stay alert and therefore better able to face every day problems.  And what better stimulant than taking a run in fresh air.